Observations from a Seven-Week Old......Father

Yeah, yeah, yeah, my seven week old daughter shits a ton, has hijacked our sleep, and is exceptional. Blah, blah, blah, you've heard it all before. Nothing I hate more than new parents telling me the same old shit that new parents around the globe have been declaring as unique for decades. So I am going to go down a different path....the plight of the new father. No man would dare touch this topic within spit-up distance of his wife but seeing that I have an exceptional wife I am taking it on.

If I were to tell you the new father's typical day in isolation, away from the parallel 24 hours that are occurring for his wife, you would feel for him. Going to work every morning on five hours sleep. A rushed morning routine that includes getting his daughter up from a deep sleep and changing a repugnant shit-receptacle. Once at work he is forced to deal with the brain numbing demands of the office – " I would swear these idiots are less engaging than my seven week old." The drive home in traffic is interrupted only by the trip to the drug store to pick up breast pads and diapers. He finally returns home to a tired wife and a daughter who has decided that 4:30 -8pm will be her witching hours. He makes dinner, changes a few diapers, and attempts to tidy up the path of destruction from the day that was, all with a chorus of infant displeasure in the background. This leaves no time for an intellectual chat with his wife, sipping a California syrah, or enjoying a chapter or two of a good book. Don't even mention a beer with the boys, a trip to the gym, or the "s-word". Quite frankly – it sucks. We love the little angel to death, but anyone who tells you that the infant months are enjoyable is flat out lying. Either that or they had an absolutely uneventful and boring pre-baby existence. Mine was fantastic by the way.

So there's my day. Sucks eh? It does. However, it occurs simultaneously with the saga below:

My wife spends the hours of 12am to 7 am clinging to intervals of 1.5 hours sleep interrupted by 25-minute sessions of having her nipples alternately ravaged by a famished beast. She does this with her mate in a deep sleep in her bed knowing that there is nothing he could do even if she did wake him up. She then spends ten minutes playing percussion on the infant beast's back. Once the beast has released toxic gas from all of its orifices, my wife is then tasked with convincing the beast that having a nap is a good idea. The beast however is the oddest of creatures: it refuses sleep when it needs it most. Not sure about you, but I consider the following scenario absolutely idyllic: I am completely exhausted. My body feels like I have run a marathon and I just finished gorging on a breast oozing lasagne (insert your favourite meal here). Enter my wife declaring, "Honey please sleep for as long as you want. Don't worry about a thing." Apparently this fantasy is a result of nurture not nature, as I've heard countless stories (zzzzz) of the tired infant that refuses to sleep. Back to my wife.....when she finally does get the child into a state of slumber (I say fuck the phrase "sleeping like a baby") she has approximately sixty to ninety minutes to get some sleep for herself before the same barbaric cycle commences once again. At 7 am her husband wakes, retrieves the beast from her crib showering her with "Good morning Sunshine!" and "Boy...you were such a good girl last night. Honey, she must have slept for six hours straight no?" He then completes one requisite diaper change, enjoys a breakfast, throws on his work duds, and then heads off to expend cognitive energy with a group of peers. For her, this is the beginning of a day that consists of conversations that hit an intellectual peak during the monologue on the colour red. Other highlights of my wife's work day: four to six sessions of nipple torture; wiping feces that resemble butter chicken from between the shoulder blades of the beast; alternating the position of the beast from crib to swing to vibrating chair to crib to lap to arms to play pen to swing to crib to couch to bed to fireplace to dishwasher to compost pile all in an attempt to find that "sweet spot" where the beast appears content. By the way, none of the positions work. In the afternoon there's "the walk" – which us fathers sell to our belaboured wives as "pre-baby activity". Of course this is out of guilt, as we know that being outside walking aimlessly around the block really is nothing close to normal pre-baby activity, yet we need our wives to feel like nothing has really changed. Then, alas, dad arrives home from work with the breast pads and diapers that she forgot to pick up on her walk that afternoon. Finally she gets a rest – but man he has it easy.

I don't know....you be the judge.

There Is No God So Just Ride the Damn Bus

I can't believe the Ottawa Transit Committee has voted to prevent the Freethought Association of Canada from posting a paid advertisement on the city's buses (actually I can believe it – this city has a dearth of leadership and testicles). The ad would have stated, "There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life." My only problem with the ad is its lack of decisiveness. There is no god.

Once again, the loyalty to an invisible man prevents logic and free speech. Once again those who believe in the black book of fables have gotten their way and those of us with the ability to reason, deduce, and speak intelligently have been asked to just quiet down. I, as usual, fail to understand how a group of people who are able to throw so much blind faith into unproven stories of impossible acts can be so thrown out of kilter by a bus ad that claims their beliefs are "probably" false. Does it make any sense to you that those who see it logical to pray for outcomes rather than act for outcomes would be so offended by a statement from those who do not share their views? Surely such strength in conviction would give you the confidence and security that a claim of probable non-existence of your deity would be inconsequential to society. Plus, couldn't they just pray that those who read it will dismiss it? Hmm, maybe they prayed that the Ottawa Transit Committee would ban the sign outright. That's it – makes sense to me now.

You know, I come across public displays of religion all the time. I usually think they are dumb but they certainly don't insult me (although, I am insulted when they show up at my door in the form of a human placard asking me to "sign up"). Even if they did insult me, is that any reason to make it illegal for them to exist? Why can't the rigidly religious just "drop a set" and stop acting so insecure? Why do they fear that the sight of a mere bus sign will result in the annihilation of their faith? Maybe because deep in their hearts they know they are throwing their faith at a pile of crap but are afraid of the off chance that claiming such would result in eternal occupancy in the "hotlands." That's what I think. Most people who claim to be religious really aren't at all. They just don't have the courage to act and think freely and chalk their "sins" up to human nature.

This brings us back to the bus sign. I'm going to end this post as an insulting virtual religious salesman at your front door. If you're on the "bubble" of free thought and need a hand to guide you off the precipice to logical living - take mine. You'll love the freedom of knowing that you're a good person just because you are. Not because you're afraid not to be.

GFY Canada

There is not going to be anything eloquent about my writing today - not that I claim it to be as such on a regular basis anyway. I just need to make a few things clear about this constitutional cluster fuck. I recognize the constitutional legitimacy of the coalition government. My discontent with it is not based on an incorrect notion that it is illegal, unconstitutional, or even undemocratic. My issue with this pathetic coalition is based on morals and ethics, not parliamentary nuances. Just because something is legal does not make it morally or ethically sound. I could choose to sleep around on my wife. Technically, I am doing nothing illegal. Jumping in the sack with a different woman every day this week does not make me a criminal. It does make me an asshole. The Dion/Layton/Duceppe coalition is not illegal. It is just morally wrong. It is obvious that Layton had this up his sleeve the day after the election. Anyone willing to argue with me on this one is just plain stupid or ill-informed (which I recognize is the majority of Canadians who vote for this fool). To dress this coalition up as economy crusaders is a slap in the face of the minority of Canadians that have the intelligence and integrity to see it for what it is. And believe me folks, it is a minority (yes I have lost all faith in this country). This coalition is an unreasonable response to a relatively benign economic statement. It is nothing more than a disguised grab for power. People will say that Harper used a constitutional loophole to have parliament prorogued - maybe so. But don't overlook the fact that this coalition is also born from a parliamentary loophole. Are you seeing a trend? The British Parliamentary System is fucked.

If Mr. and Mrs. Dion (or is it Layton) had come out and said, "we are forming this coalition because we hate Harper's guts and the fact that we keep losing to him" I would have had some respect for them. But this economy bullshit is more of what I come to expect from this now unified party of socialist sell-outs.

I have said all along that my disgust with this coalition is non-partisan. Quite frankly there is no party in this pathetic country that represents me any more. I was hoping for a Liberal revival under Mr. Ignatiefff however he too has disappointed me (see previous post). I know Harper is an arrogant prick but at least he can put together a high quality video clip and understands the concept of a deadline. Dion not only missed the deadline, but he put together a video recorded on someone's cell phone. Not that higher quality video would have made him any more understandable.

This post ain't gonna end with a clever musing. This country just sucks.