Intoxicated Truth

I love it when a normally reserved person gets a little too into the sauce and reveals his inner asshole. You know the scenario, the guy crosses the threshold into intoxication and basically everyone and their mother becomes fair game. He may tell you that he wants to sleep with your wife. Or maybe he snaps on the waitress who forgot to split the bill calling her a stupid "git" (picture you are in London for this one). Sometimes the guy is a "good drunk" and tells you that he loves you and has already slept with your wife. Anyway, you get the point: people are honest when they are pickled. You want to see a person's true blueprint? Buy them drinks and initiate a targeted conversation. Three hours later you've got the goods.

So I have an idea. Drunken debates should be mandated during an election campaign. Just one per election is all we would need. It makes perfect sense. We all know they're lying to us. Jack Layton knows he would have to tax us to the point of food stamps to follow through on all the promises he assumes he'll never have to act on. Deep inside Stephan Dion knows that he took advantage of a ridiculously illogical nomination system (thanks Gerard). And south of the border, Barrack Obama really does think that his wife was right – they have never really been proud of their country – and never will unless he wins.

Here's my proposal. The leaders go out for free wings and beer 90 minutes prior to the debate (I would be willing to pay for this as a tax payer and yes Jack, you can have wine coolers). This should get them perfectly to that point of being linguistically fluid (hell we may even understand Mr. Dion) yet disinhibited and willing to let the shit really fly. The glass of water on their podium will be replaced by an alcoholic beverage of their choice, refilled as necessary. This will ensure that they progressively get more drunk and by the end of the night, downright gross. This serves the purpose of allowing the voter to identify who can hold their liquor best. As the leader of a G8 country (exactly how many "G" countries are there now – I think it's up to like G16) a Prime Minister/President is required to make monumental decisions while schmoozing with other G? leaders. Essentially, who has the best judgment while trashed?

So, with this new model of intoxicated debate in mind I have compiled what I think we would see if my ingenious idea came to fermented fruition.

Elizabeth May would admit she has never recycled in her life.

Barrack Obama would state, "Sure I don't have the experience. But I'm just so much smarter than the rest of you."

Stephan Dion would admit that this is the first time he has ever drunk and then explain to everyone that "drunk" not "drank" is the correct past tense of drink.

Joe Biden would turn to Sarah Palin and say, "Pronounce your g's you dumb bitch. Oh, and nice jugs by the way."

Jack Layton would fire up a joint then admit that marijuana is in fact a "gateway drug" stating, "how do you think I got into heroin?"

Sarah Palin would take her top off. Then start reciting Deuteronomy.

Gilles Duceppe would admit that his master plan includes hunting down Jean Chretien in the caves of northern Quebec and catching him dead or alive.

John McCain would admit that he has stolen the logo from McCain fries and also that he chose Palin because she's a MILF.

Steven Harper would confess that he has homoerotic dreams involving Jack Layton.

In the end, I think we would all have a much easier time making a choice and voter turnout would hit historic highs. You can't say I'm wrong can you?

Election Spin and Brain Anatomy

Here's one of the reasons I could never be a politician (or is this a reason I could be?): I break promises. I said I would refrain from political entries for the next week at least. Well, sorry but I couldn't help it.

I really have no issue with people voting Liberal. Honestly (and I'm not lying this time). If you decide to vote Liberal, good on ya. They have some very appealing positions and policies. I would like to be able to vote for them and I am sure some day I will again. However, please don't vote for them because of their latest slew of attack ads on Stephen Harper, characterizing him as a George Bush wannabe. Please, realize that you are smarter than this horse shit. "Brotherizing" Harper and Bush has become very in vogue (en vogue in Quebec) amongst the Canadian left wing ideologues these days. I was thinking it was something in the Starbucks Latte, however if this was the case I would be under the same spell. Open any newspaper to the editorial section and you will find myriad articles recycling the same theme on a different day. It really has gotten old for those of us able to fire up the critical analysis portion of our brain (the frontal lobe if I'm not mistaken). Sure Mr. Harper is right of center. Someone in this country has to try to average the "net compass position" towards the center. Without him Canada's collective "square" would fall off the bottom left corner of the graph for Christ's sake (if confused read blog entry titled, "Find Your Square and be Proud.") But Mr. Harper's position right of center does not automatically equate the guy, and his party, to Mr. Sarah Palin.

There is an excellent article in Saturday's Ottawa Citizen written by Dan Gardner. Here is the link:

http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/columnists/story.html?id=0af97da6-b4bb-4d21-992f-2f9d688ff8f1

The article provides readers with several points, both ideological theory and legislative fact, which prove that when one uses their cognitive capacities, the link between George Bush and Stephen Harper gets more and more tenuous. The fact of the matter is this: Mr. Harper and the Conservatives are closer to Mr. Bush and the Republicans than any of the other mainstream leaders or parties in Canada. Both of my cats have realized this. But to allow your brain to blindly accept Dion's claims (if you are able to understand him of course) that Mr. Harper is a Bush clone would be a lazy, uncritical conclusion. If compared to our current prime ministerial candidates, Barrack Obama, who I think is going to be a fantastic president if given the chance, would fall not all that far from Mr. Harper in terms of ideology and current platforms. The Democratic Party of America, would no doubt be considered right of center comparatively in Canada. Does this make Obama and his party Bush wannabe's? Hardly. Use your brains people. Separate fact from left wing shepherding. Don't land in the herd. Instead, use your frontal lobe.

Some Debatables

What I learned last night:

• Setting the bar ridiculously low makes average intelligence appear genius.
  
• Joe Biden has had work done on his eyes. The right one specifically looks Joan Rivers-like.
  
• We may very well be the stupidest country on the planet to offer a man who wants to pack up his province and "move out" a seat at a national leadership debate.
  
• Elizabeth May is smart.
  
• I don't like the "kitchen table" debate format. Must have been Jack's idea.
  
• Jack Layton is the bratty short kid that should be shoved into his locker every morning.
  
• There were only three parties sitting at the table last night: The Bloc, The Conservatives, and The NGLP (The New Green Liberal Party).
  
• The American debate format is better than the Canadian but the Canadian is more of a circus (it's the one time that Canadian politics looks "American" and American looks "Canadian.")
  
• Like him or not, Harper is a leader and the rest are not (save Duceppe, but he shouldn't count (see third point above)).
  
• Elizabeth May looks like Eeyore the donkey.
  
• Jack Layton looks like the guy selling computer educational software on TV.
  
• Duceppe looks like a transvestite separatist.
  
• Stephane Dion looks like a mouse.
  
• Harper looks like George Bush (for my left wing readers).
  
• Palin really accentuates the long "I" vowel sound.    
  

And finally,

• Stephane Dion is like the 20-year-old virgin who decides to get a hooker to "get on the board" yet comes out of the whole affair still a virgin. He's got the sure thing right there in front of him. His party truly does represent most Canadians. Yet, he is such a dufous he just can't "get laid."