Intoxicated Truth

I love it when a normally reserved person gets a little too into the sauce and reveals his inner asshole. You know the scenario, the guy crosses the threshold into intoxication and basically everyone and their mother becomes fair game. He may tell you that he wants to sleep with your wife. Or maybe he snaps on the waitress who forgot to split the bill calling her a stupid "git" (picture you are in London for this one). Sometimes the guy is a "good drunk" and tells you that he loves you and has already slept with your wife. Anyway, you get the point: people are honest when they are pickled. You want to see a person's true blueprint? Buy them drinks and initiate a targeted conversation. Three hours later you've got the goods.

So I have an idea. Drunken debates should be mandated during an election campaign. Just one per election is all we would need. It makes perfect sense. We all know they're lying to us. Jack Layton knows he would have to tax us to the point of food stamps to follow through on all the promises he assumes he'll never have to act on. Deep inside Stephan Dion knows that he took advantage of a ridiculously illogical nomination system (thanks Gerard). And south of the border, Barrack Obama really does think that his wife was right – they have never really been proud of their country – and never will unless he wins.

Here's my proposal. The leaders go out for free wings and beer 90 minutes prior to the debate (I would be willing to pay for this as a tax payer and yes Jack, you can have wine coolers). This should get them perfectly to that point of being linguistically fluid (hell we may even understand Mr. Dion) yet disinhibited and willing to let the shit really fly. The glass of water on their podium will be replaced by an alcoholic beverage of their choice, refilled as necessary. This will ensure that they progressively get more drunk and by the end of the night, downright gross. This serves the purpose of allowing the voter to identify who can hold their liquor best. As the leader of a G8 country (exactly how many "G" countries are there now – I think it's up to like G16) a Prime Minister/President is required to make monumental decisions while schmoozing with other G? leaders. Essentially, who has the best judgment while trashed?

So, with this new model of intoxicated debate in mind I have compiled what I think we would see if my ingenious idea came to fermented fruition.

Elizabeth May would admit she has never recycled in her life.

Barrack Obama would state, "Sure I don't have the experience. But I'm just so much smarter than the rest of you."

Stephan Dion would admit that this is the first time he has ever drunk and then explain to everyone that "drunk" not "drank" is the correct past tense of drink.

Joe Biden would turn to Sarah Palin and say, "Pronounce your g's you dumb bitch. Oh, and nice jugs by the way."

Jack Layton would fire up a joint then admit that marijuana is in fact a "gateway drug" stating, "how do you think I got into heroin?"

Sarah Palin would take her top off. Then start reciting Deuteronomy.

Gilles Duceppe would admit that his master plan includes hunting down Jean Chretien in the caves of northern Quebec and catching him dead or alive.

John McCain would admit that he has stolen the logo from McCain fries and also that he chose Palin because she's a MILF.

Steven Harper would confess that he has homoerotic dreams involving Jack Layton.

In the end, I think we would all have a much easier time making a choice and voter turnout would hit historic highs. You can't say I'm wrong can you?