There's No Place Like This

So I’m sitting here listening to that Ontario tourism song, “There’s No Place Like This.” I admit, I find it very catchy. In fact, if it were a standard length track I would probably put it on my iPod. It would be one of those songs that we all have on our MP3 players. You know, the ones that you wish you had a hidden folder and password for so no one could ever know you listen to such garbage; songs that are the equivalent of your deepest secrets in MP3 format. In case you ever run across my iPod I have them filed under “Work Contacts,” disguised as data files. Password: tiffany.

If you wish to torture yourself with a classic “can’t get this stupid song out of my head”-song, here you go. Enjoy.



So, why am I listening to Toya Alexis gloat about how great Ontario is while watching a variety of people having Ontario-induced orgasms? Well, I am in a bit of a personal quagmire. A socio-geographic love-hate relationship. Should I stay or should I go? Ms. Alexis is certainly correct. There is no place like this; no place where I have said, in the same day, “honey, I am so glad we live here,” and “honey, I fucking hate this place so much.” Did I say in the same day? I meant same hour.

Ontario has become an over-regulated, sanitized, politically correct soap dish. The government and citizens of "Upper Canada" spend far too much time attempting to appease every last interest group at the expense of any sensibility. Zamboni drivers require helmets. Christmas trees are banned from court houses. The premier, Mr. McGuinty, feels that recognizing Sharia law is something to consider. Cities distribute crack pipes with their logo on them. Clotheslines are illegal. Pretty soon we'll be required to write provincial exams to prove our knowledge of Ontario's twelve official religions and fifteen languages. I embrace Ontario's ethnic diversity - really I do. I know that my life is a better one, and Canada a better country, because of the opportunities I am afforded to learn from so many faiths, cultures, and beliefs. But for the love of all of their gods, do we need to try so hard to eliminate any minute detail about this country that they may not like. The immigrants that founded this country would be sick watching the current goings on. If you think I'm racist you're missing the point, and apparently, under the same spell.

This ridiculousness has lead to a population of over-sensitive cranks. Go ahead, say it - I'm no different. How can this moron write a rant about how cranky everyone in Ontario is when all he does is complain? But that's my point. Sometimes, this otherwise beautiful, progressive, and exhilarating province makes you want to take a month-long yoga class. In fact, I think I'll write to my MPP to have month-long yoga classes compulsory for all citizens. I think he'll go for it. He is the premier himself.

Before you start preparing the "sad to see you go" email, understand that there are many things I love about Canada's newest "have not" province. When I am in a better mood I will write about them. But, for the purpose of writing a good old-fashioned unbalanced rant, I am going to leave it at that. If you are wondering if I actually write anything pleasant, check back on the solstices.

Back to the song. I have a friend who is a song writer. When I told her that I couldn’t stop humming “There’s No Place Like This” she pointed out that the phrasing in the song is all wrong. Listen to it – you’ll hear it. It’s where she sings, “...like this that I’ve been.” It just sounds weird. My friend also pointed out that the song uses two different verb tenses, has an unnecessary stress on the word “this”, and lacks melodic complexity. You know, after learning all this, I've realized that "There's No Place Like This" is an excellent overall representation of Ontario. It's catchy, has no sense of past or present, is filled with unnecessary stress, and is quite shallow.